Bloody dreams
Ung! I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like I want to pummel someone with my bare hands, like I want to shred clothes and wreck havoc and destruction. All this something building up inside of me and it refuses to be squashed down where it belongs. Like some ugly monster that is in each and every one of us rears it's hideous head from hibernation and refuses to sleep until it's been fed. I don't know why I feel like this, this feeling of wanting to rip bloody strips of flesh from a person's body and verbally flay their mind while I do it.
All this hissing and spitting - something has my back up and I don't know what which only makes it worse because it feels even more like there is something there; something that deserves to be tortured to death for plotting my demise.
I just want to sleep; to fall asleep knowing that when I wake up all will be well with my soul. That things that should have been but never were actual become realized. I wish the world wasn't so heavy. And I wish that... well, wishes are dangerous. I might not allow myself to wish, but I allow myself to dream. I dream of forests filled with trees and ferns with soft light filtering down. I dream of strong men who aren't afraid of strong women and how together they change the world. I dream of friends that don't judge and don't forget. I dream of days where the ache in my head and in my heart doesn't leave me gasping for breath. I dream of a day where I am loved.
I dream...
Dreams are nice to have for the moment in time when it all seems possible, where it all seems probable. But that searing pain when you come out of it, all at once and you realize that it never will be; where your body is cramped with cold and your soul contracts around the ball of hurt in your chest because it will never come to pass. Not in this world at least.
Strip after strip of bloody flesh that has been flayed from my body, from my spirit by people that I thought I could trust. Sometimes I even have enough time for the skin to start to grow back before another someone comes along and leaves a new scar on top of the new flesh.
All this hissing and spitting - something has my back up and I don't know what which only makes it worse because it feels even more like there is something there; something that deserves to be tortured to death for plotting my demise.
I just want to sleep; to fall asleep knowing that when I wake up all will be well with my soul. That things that should have been but never were actual become realized. I wish the world wasn't so heavy. And I wish that... well, wishes are dangerous. I might not allow myself to wish, but I allow myself to dream. I dream of forests filled with trees and ferns with soft light filtering down. I dream of strong men who aren't afraid of strong women and how together they change the world. I dream of friends that don't judge and don't forget. I dream of days where the ache in my head and in my heart doesn't leave me gasping for breath. I dream of a day where I am loved.
I dream...
Dreams are nice to have for the moment in time when it all seems possible, where it all seems probable. But that searing pain when you come out of it, all at once and you realize that it never will be; where your body is cramped with cold and your soul contracts around the ball of hurt in your chest because it will never come to pass. Not in this world at least.
Strip after strip of bloody flesh that has been flayed from my body, from my spirit by people that I thought I could trust. Sometimes I even have enough time for the skin to start to grow back before another someone comes along and leaves a new scar on top of the new flesh.
posted by Rebecca at 9:59 AM
1 Comments:
I'm sorry Becky, from what little I know you've had a harder time of it than many, I respect you for remaining sane and maintaining an obedient faith in Jesus - I've known quite a few women who haven't been so resilient! I'll pray for you that you won't need to be so resilient in the future and that you'll be given an answer that looks something like your dream.
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