missing a memory

I'm trying to figure out how I can miss something that was never there. Can you miss a figment, a fragment of a dream? Something that seemed to be real, something you thought you had touched, something you thought you had felt but was never there. I don't know if I really do miss him or if I miss the what could have been. Or is this simply loss, part of the grieving process? I miss him telling me that he loves me - but what good is a lie. Isn't the lie worse than the truth? Maybe I only miss the thought of being loved, the feeling that finally, here is someone who loves me, who chose to love me - chose to love everything about me. Chose to love me despite my faults, because of my faults. Will there ever be someone who loves me like that?

The pain and the acheyness never goes away - sometimes it is easy to ignore and other times you go to use that muscle and you find that by reaching father than you have the awareness of the pain is doubled. It never goes away, you just learn new ways to experience the agony, new tortures that twist the familiar hurt and make it into something new.

Sometimes I think this will never heal, it will always be a gaping wound that constantly seeps, leaving cosmic blood droplets as I go along.

And so it seems I am missing a memory of what should have been.