When I go down

The pounding in my head won't stop, and it hurts to breathe. I feel like I'm gasping for air, yet all I can do is sit quietly and try to ignore how much my chest hurts and how much I want to cry. I feel like I'm missing something, like something is just outside of my understanding, just outside of my field of vision. I want to see it; I want to understand. For some reason I can't convince myself to turn around to see what's standing behind me for fear that is something that will eat me alive. I want this life to die. Not physically die, this is not suicidal depression, but a metaphorical death of the self; the rebirth of a creation that was destined for something so much better, so much higher. I am prideful of my brilliance, yet I have distain for those who try harder than I do and still do not measure up to my standards of perfection. I do not even meet my standards, yet it does not matter. Why am I so prone to suffer from apathy, melancholy? I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I hate being apathetic, so apathetic that I can't bring myself to take the necessary steps to do what needs to be done in order for it all to work out in the end. I wish rebirth was so much easier than it is, even though I know that if it was easy it would hold little meaning and then what would be the point?

"I'll tell you flat out it hurts so much to think of this so from my thoughts I will exclude this very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works no that's not the way it works. When I go down, I go down hard and I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and of the things that got me there I think, if only I had fought them. If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found. I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships. I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more. I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works. No, that's not the way it works" When I go Down, Relient K