... for I have none left to give

Normally I would say something like "I don't know what's wrong with me," but this time I think I do know what it is. I'm suffering from very mild anxiety attacks and mediocre depression. Sad isn't it, that I know the symptoms so well that I can diagnose myself from long familiarity with these problems. I don't think I can live here anymore - it's too hard. I can't think in my apartment, I become apathetic to the world and all I want to do is dissolve into a puddle and let the scientists discover what happened to me. When I'm home (my parents house) I can think, I do act, I am myself. Here my chest tightens and I feel like I can't breathe, my head starts to pound, I don't eat, can't sleep, and all I want to do is leave. I know what's wrong with me, but I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I can leave - I have another 6 months on lease. I love my classes and the work and the papers, I just am falling behind because I can't think in the one place I need to be able to think. My heart is sore and wants to become hard to the world and to the people I am with. I am more critical and sad than I can ever remember. All I want to do is sleep and when I wake up, to wake up in a place that isn't here, that doesn't make me want to scream and cry at the same time.

Stop yelling at me! You have no right to talk to me like that, no right! I will not be your punching bag because you need to vent! Leave me alone... leave me in peace and let me think - think in peace, be in peace.

Dear Lord, sweep me up into Your arms - fly me to Your place of rest. Wrap Your wings of peace around my shoulders and never let me go. Sing me sweet songs that let me sleep, sleep in Your house for one night - and may it be like a thousand. One day spent with you O God is better than a thousand spent on Earth. Let each tear and blood drop that was spent heal my soul and make rich a dry and barren land. You O Lord are my Savior and my God; let me not forget Your precepts and Your ways. My God, My God - you are my refuge, my fortress in whom I place all my trust. Judge me with mercy for I am weak and frail. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned - sinned against You and my fellow man. Cover me in Your feathers and allow me to walk in Your ways, walk in the light of Your holiness. I am not worthy, yet You love me and give me life when I deserve only death. Give me strength for I have none, give me love for I have none left to give. Give me mercy but I deserve none, give me peace when I am but chaos without You.