Don't forget me

I've been thinking a lot about things recently - love, life, etc. I'm not sure what conclusion I've come to, only that sometimes I think that I would be better off alone because I'll never be satisfied for life and I'm tired of causing good people who deserve better a lifetime of heartbreak. My whole life men have been falling in love with me one after another, and while I've always appreciated the sentiment, I think it's time that it stops. I'm tired of causing pain when my heart starts to wander away from them. I never stop loving them, but I start to grow distant and I slowly walk away without ever looking back so that I don't have to deal with the devastation. I'm not trying to brag about anything or inflate my own self worth, but I know what it feels like to have someone you care deeply about walk away. It is so painful and heart-wrenching that I hope that most everyone doesn't have to go through that more then once in their life. I don't want to be that one time in people's lives. Maybe I'm just in a contemplative mood, or maybe it's the combination of Death Cab for Cutie and Dallas Green, but I can't shake this feeling that it's time for me to walk away again, this time from something much larger then a single person. "There is something I must confess to you tonight, and that is that I expect that nothing less from you tonight: save your scissors, for someone else's skin."

I hate the feeling that I have this thing in me that is so beautiful and eloquent that needs to come out. But whenever I try to let it out of me and put it onto paper, it never comes out quite the way it should. It is always less elegant and deep that I imagined it. Perhaps that is the divine spark in all of us - that while we are made in God's image with some of his attributes, we are also fallen, we are twisted, we are no longer perfect, we are no longer as beautiful as we could have been. We are only a spark, a flickering of light from a gutting candle. Soon the light will be snuffed out and we will die, we will no long exist. "No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs." I've always wanted to write something beautiful, something soul shattering. Something that changes the world, or even a single person. I have this thing inside me that wants to come out, that wants to say this profound thing - this truth. Very few people have ever told the Truth, said the Truth." I've never known how to say how I feel. Those three words are said too much, but not enough. If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old. Show me a garden that's bursting into life." I feel like something inside of me has changed. I know that this change will be short lived, and that by tomorrow morning I will be back to who everyone thinks I am. Back to who everyone who thinks I am... that's the real issue isn't it?