Misery
I now know what it's like to be truly and completely miserable - to feel completely wretched inside. Knowing that you are in part responsible for the misery of someone that you love. To know that you and everything you do causes the person you hold most dear so much pain, indirectly though it may be. But it is still your actions that are the catalyst to these horrible chain of events. To be made to choose between your family and the person that you want to marry is a choice that no one should ever have to make. I'm not sure which is worse, being the person who has to make the choice or being one of the options. Both are terrible positions to be in. On one hand you know that whatever you do will break not just your heart but someone else' as well. On the other hand you know that either the person choosing is going to break your heart or the heart of their family and with that their heart is going to break as well.
I want to weep; my heart breaks a little more every day with each phone call or lack there of. I know that he doesn't call me because he wants to keep the peace in his family, and I know that he wants to call me because he loves me with all his heart. I can't call him without him having to endure so much pain and misery afterwards, I can't write him a letter without him having to bear more of the same. Is there nothing left for us? Nothing but this pain and affliction? How long must we live with this torture? How long can we live with this persecution? Something has to happen, something has to change. There's nothing we can do that we haven't already done to ease this bitter pill, this heartache. He only wants to be able to come home to a place where he isn't argued with every minute he is there, a place where he isn't forced to defend me, forced to defend our relationship. He has to endure all this pain and agony simply because he loves me. Indirectly I am the cause of his pain, of his misery - the person I love more than I love life itself. Me. Everything I do causes more strain with his parents, which in turn causes them to lash out at him. He who deserves it the least. All because of me…
I want to weep; my heart breaks a little more every day with each phone call or lack there of. I know that he doesn't call me because he wants to keep the peace in his family, and I know that he wants to call me because he loves me with all his heart. I can't call him without him having to endure so much pain and misery afterwards, I can't write him a letter without him having to bear more of the same. Is there nothing left for us? Nothing but this pain and affliction? How long must we live with this torture? How long can we live with this persecution? Something has to happen, something has to change. There's nothing we can do that we haven't already done to ease this bitter pill, this heartache. He only wants to be able to come home to a place where he isn't argued with every minute he is there, a place where he isn't forced to defend me, forced to defend our relationship. He has to endure all this pain and agony simply because he loves me. Indirectly I am the cause of his pain, of his misery - the person I love more than I love life itself. Me. Everything I do causes more strain with his parents, which in turn causes them to lash out at him. He who deserves it the least. All because of me…
posted by Rebecca at 6:22 AM
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