I Pushed You Down Deep in My Soul for Too Long

My heart is disquiet and troubled. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can scarcely breathe; other times I can deceive myself into thinking it's not so bad or that it's not that painful. Each breath is like inhaling a fistful of ice cold air that crystallizes in my lungs making speech unable. I wish I wasn't so strong, that I wasn't so able. Maybe if I wasn't so strong God wouldn't test me with this, maybe I wouldn't be here, maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much. I know that God loves me and that He will always love me - that part has always been easy for me. His grace is a fountain of joy and amazement for me. People are always telling me "don't forget that God loves you" that's not the part that I'm worried about, that's never been in doubt. Sometimes they change it up and tell me to find my worth in God. I can't tell them that that is the only reason why I am still here, I am precious to God, as all His children are. His hands molded me and gave me a name and a purpose; that doesn't mean that I don't bleed from human words, it doesn't mean that people try to make me less than He intended.

God designed us for meaningful human interactions and relationships, you take those away and not much is left. How can you carry out His commissions if you are alone? How can you share with other people when everything you have has been taken away? Even though I have been abandoned by humanity that doesn't mean that He has. He is always there and His heart grieves for mine but I have no one to grieve with for my loss. We we not intended to walk alone; the hand is supposed to be connected to the rest of the body not separated in isolation.

I am alone.

I am alone on this earth; my heart longs for the day when I can rest, when He calls me home.



I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours



Then Jesus showed up, said, "Before we go up
I thought that we might reminisce
See, one night in your life, when you turned out the lights
You asked for and prayed for My forgiveness

"You cried wolf; the tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, 'What have I done?'
You loved that lamb with every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite

"You said, 'Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day, please take me home with You' "

I can hear You whisper to me
"It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again"