Devistation and Reform

My mind is all jumbled up together in this mess of thoughts, a confusion of right and wrong. Not even that simple, right and wrong – it’s more of how grey is that grey area, how much of what I’m doing could be considered harmful down the line? I hate hurting people I care about – I hate having to think about if my actions will hurt them because what does it say about me that my natural inclination is to harm others? I wish there was a way to speak plainly about all of this, to lay it out in a logical fashion; pros in the left hand column and cons in the right. But I know that if I laid it out like that 90% of the right hand column would be filled and only two lines of the left would have anything in them.

How do you weigh the benefits of friendship and being able to be the light of the world against things like knowing they want different things from you, that you know, without a doubt, you would never be able to give them?

I wish I wasn’t so damaged, I wish that I was better equipped to handle things like this. I wish that I didn’t know better. But I do. I know that this will hurt, but if I don’t break your heart things will just get worse. When the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

I am who I am. What I believe is who I am. You cannot separate my beliefs from my personality; you cannot separate my faith and knowledge of God from anything about me. He is what causes my lungs to breathe in the air; He is what keeps my heart beating. I don’t take a lot of my beliefs just on faith, I base my knowledge of God on his Word and on the relationship that I have with Him. I know, without a doubt, that He is there. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me unconditionally. There is joy in me because I know that I am forever loved and protected. Every day there is awe and wonder in me that He chose me, that he loves me. Me, the undeserving sinner. Me, he died on the cross for me – knowing that I was to be and all the mistakes that I would make and He did it anyway so that I would have the chance to know Him and to be His forever.

When all else around me crumbles and I am lost and dejected He is there – never changing, always loving, strong and perfect.

This is who I am, nothing will ever change His love for me and nothing will ever shake my belief in my God.