...give me hope...

I hate the feeling that something is wrong, and you don't know what it is. My heart hurts and I am scared that this might be the end or that the end is closer than I thought. I don't think I've ever been this scared before. What this means I'm not sure I know, and I'm not sure I want to find out. It scares me more than anything I have ever encountered before. It shakes me to my very core and it makes me want to despair. It's all so confusing and violent in my head. Why do I have the feeling that something is horribly wrong or is about to go horribly wrong? I have no reason to feel like this, and yet I do. I wish that I could say that I am wrong and I'm just feeling strange for whatever reason, but I can't shake this feeling that everything is going to crash and break; that everything is going to collapse and the world is going to fall to pieces. I don't feel like this constantly, I don't know what I would do if I did, but every time I feel this it seems to get worse and worse as the days wear on. Why is this happening to me, what does this mean? I want to cry, but I can't seem to summon up the energy nor the will to do so. Slowly I fall prey to apathy and am swallowed whole by the beast of nothingness. But again I lapse into the dramatic.

All I want is to sleep and to sleep dreamlessly and deeply - to fall into the light oblivion of serenity. Give me rest, give me peace, give me joy and give me heart. Let not my happiness be ruined or destroyed in the coming rains. Give me strength when I have none, give me hope when I despair, give me mercy when I deserve it least of all, and give me love when I have none to give.

Is all lost, is all in vain? Have it been for nothing? …please… please no. I don't know… it all swirls around me confused, bright colors mixing with deep dark secrets of blues and greys. I can't seem to find what is true, what is real. It is almost within my grasp, yet it eludes me. I feel so alone, so small, so very lost. The happiest times I can remember are the times I've spent with Michael, even the times when things have been painful. At the end of June it will have been a year, a year with me gone for over half of it. Love is hard - harder than anything I've ever done, yet - I love loving him. To think that it might end... please... no...