Devistation and Reform

My mind is all jumbled up together in this mess of thoughts, a confusion of right and wrong. Not even that simple, right and wrong – it’s more of how grey is that grey area, how much of what I’m doing could be considered harmful down the line? I hate hurting people I care about – I hate having to think about if my actions will hurt them because what does it say about me that my natural inclination is to harm others? I wish there was a way to speak plainly about all of this, to lay it out in a logical fashion; pros in the left hand column and cons in the right. But I know that if I laid it out like that 90% of the right hand column would be filled and only two lines of the left would have anything in them.

How do you weigh the benefits of friendship and being able to be the light of the world against things like knowing they want different things from you, that you know, without a doubt, you would never be able to give them?

I wish I wasn’t so damaged, I wish that I was better equipped to handle things like this. I wish that I didn’t know better. But I do. I know that this will hurt, but if I don’t break your heart things will just get worse. When the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

I am who I am. What I believe is who I am. You cannot separate my beliefs from my personality; you cannot separate my faith and knowledge of God from anything about me. He is what causes my lungs to breathe in the air; He is what keeps my heart beating. I don’t take a lot of my beliefs just on faith, I base my knowledge of God on his Word and on the relationship that I have with Him. I know, without a doubt, that He is there. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me unconditionally. There is joy in me because I know that I am forever loved and protected. Every day there is awe and wonder in me that He chose me, that he loves me. Me, the undeserving sinner. Me, he died on the cross for me – knowing that I was to be and all the mistakes that I would make and He did it anyway so that I would have the chance to know Him and to be His forever.

When all else around me crumbles and I am lost and dejected He is there – never changing, always loving, strong and perfect.

This is who I am, nothing will ever change His love for me and nothing will ever shake my belief in my God.

Still Not Over It

I figured that by now I would be over the whole David Tennant/Doctor Who thing that I had going on, but apparently not. A few days after I finished the entire series (by series I mean the latest four seasons) as well as Torchwood Children of Earth I went into Tennant withdrawl so I did what any self-respecting child of the internet age does - I imdb'd his movies and youtubed him. What I found surprised me, David Tennant isn't just some pop, type actor who runs around in tight suits and converse sneakers (although I must say he looks quite dapper while he does it). He is an actor of enormous talent and not just because of his acting but because of his understanding. He understands what he's supposed to be acting, he understands the role that he is playing and not just the character, the role that he is playing in the world in how what he's doing will be viewed.

I think a good example of his enormous talent is the movie"Recovery". This is one of the hardest movies to watch because of the heartbreaking reality that is portrayed. So often Hollywood gives us happy endings with miraculous cures but Recovery tells the story of a man who suffers from a brain injury after accidently stepping out in front of a passing truck and how his family picks up around him as their lives have changed forever. To be honest, I sobbed. Not once, not twice but multiple times; not because it was a difficult movie to watch but because it hurt to watch. It challenged my humanity to keep watching and not to pass by on the wayside. There were tears rolling down my face as I watched David Tennant portray a man who had literally lost who he was - he had these memories but no way to make and remember new ones. There were tears rolling down my face as a man had no control over himself and it frustrated him that he just couldn't - it frustrated him that he just couldn't remember, that he couldn't be the man he used to be. Every last second was believable. Every last second was brilliant.

All of this heart-aching sorrow and difficulty coming from the man who made tall and skinny sexy. I mean, really sexy.

He's also recently did Hamlet and it was freaking amazing. Well, his Hamlet was really freaking amazing. I haven't seen a Hamlet as good as his - it wasn't overdone, it wasn't over dramatized as a lot of Shakespeare is prone to be, it made so much more sense than a majority of the Hamlet's I've seen - which is a testament to how he acts: with his voice and body as much as anything else.

At this point I have seen just about everything he's played a major or supporting role in and I've loved it all. Well, except Secret Smile. Don't get me wrong, his acting was brilliant but the move as a whole was deeply disturbing. Someone who can play the role of a sociopathic killer, Casanova, a singing detective, a brain damaged man AND pull of the Doctor is one heck of an actor.

The Doctor

For the last two weeks I've been on a Doctor Who kick and it's been a whirlwind romance. I've fallen in love with The Doctor - granted David Tennant made it significantly easier than Christopher Eccleston, but I way already half in love him before he regenerated and got a new face.

Even though he is a man with many faults and walls, he is also someone that I would never turn down if I had the chance to go away with him and see the universe through time and space. Although I'm only two seasons in the doctor has offered a space on the TARDIS to five people and has been turned down three time. I don't understand how anyone could turn that down. I would go in a heartbeat, without a look back - no matter the danger, no matter the consequences. Life with The Doctor would be a fabulously heart-wrenching adventure.

What would it be like to be loved by The Doctor? What would it be like to stare into the heart of the TARDIS? These are things that I dream about and wish about. If only things that fantastic weren't fantastically improbably.