For Ryan

Broken
Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Super Heros

So I walked into a conversation this afternoon where my student worker Joey was debating with our new officer Judah what super heros different people in the office were. Thinking this was a great idea I joined in on the fun. Once we had gone through all of the officers Judah paused and looked at me, "Who would Rebecca be?" There was sort of a collective silence; I wondered what Judah and Joey thought of me and how this would turn out. They looked sort of puzzled and not quite sure what to do or say. Then Joey slowly said, "I can't think of any female superheros that are like Mr. Increadible or Captain Planet." Judah and Joey then started naming off all of the female superheros they could think of: Storm? No. Catwoman? No. Wonder Woman? No, that's Cheryl. Invisible Girl? No, that's not quite right either.

Then, suddenly it came to them; their eyes lit up and they smiled. M, they said, she's M.

So apparently I am a Bond Superhero - I am smart, self-assured but most of all, I can control Bond.

List of characters:

Shaun: Batman
Greg: Wolverine
Mike: the Hulk
Clint: The Phantom
Gus: Zorrow
Judah: Green Lantern
Nathan: The Shadow
Joey: Captain America
Vic: Mr. Increadible
Cheryl: Wonder Woman
Valerie: Electra
Rebecca: M

Moments after I published the above post I got a call from my boss to meet her out at her car to help her carry things in. She had stopped at the store and had gotten 4 cartons of ice cream for everyone. I hauled them in while she continued on to her meeting across campus. I called everyone into the kitchen and started dishing out bowls to everyone.

Judah turns to me after taking his first bite "My taste buds bless you".
Joey whips around and says, "I don't want your taste buds anywhere NEAR her, let alone blessing her."

The entire office bursts into roars of laughter, with Nathan clinging to the counter to keep from falling over. I wasn't sure whether to find this absolutely hilarious (which I admit I really did) or to be completely touched by the loyalty of my students defending my honor. Either way, it was great entertainment.

The Islander

For those of you who know Ryan and I you know that my husband has a long standing obsession with Nightwish. I don't mind the music (except played exceptionly late at night exceptionally loud) and even *gasp* like some of their songs. Late 2007 Nightwish released their newest album "Dark Passion Play" and released a single off of the CD "The Islander". This is their most un-nightwish song, but it really is Nightwish in all the right places. They lyrics could never be confused with another band, following in the footsteps of songs like "Over the Hills and Far away" "Stargazers" and "Dead to the world".

I'm not sure what it is about their lyrics, maybe their slightly awkward use of language combined with rich word useage, but it has something that is powerful and epic. It's hard to explain what it - maybe that their words feel so familiar, bits and pieces snatched from authors I have read. I feel like they all have literary clues in them that make me go "ooh! ooh! I know this one, wait don't tell me... Rime of the Ancient Mariner!"

The Islander
Nightwish

An old man by a seashore
At the end of day
Gazes the horizon
With seawinds in his face
Tempest-tossed island
Seasons all the same
Anchorage unpainted
And a ship without a name

Sea without a shore for the banished one unheard
He lightens the beacon, light at the end of world
Showing the way lighting hope in their hearts
The ones on their travels homeward from afar

This is for long-forgotten
Light at the end of the world
Horizon crying
The tears he left behind long ago

The albatross is flying
Making him daydream
The time before he became
One of the world's unseen
Princess in the tower
Children in the fields
Life gave him it all:
An island of the universe

Now his love's a memory
A ghost in the fog
He sets the sails one last time
Saying farewell to the world
Anchor to the water
Seabed far below
Grass still in his feet
And a smile beneath his brow

This is for long-forgotten
Light at the end of the world
Horizon crying
The tears he left behind so long ago

Even if He does not

I used to be completely baffled at women who stayed in abusive or bad relationships - any kind of abuse, not just physical. I couldn't understand how anyone would allow themselves to be hurt so deeply on a daily basis by someone else. I always figured survival insticts would take over and if it didn't their wrath that "how dare he do that to me" would kick in and off they would go to the police and family, leting the whole wold know what a dispecable excuse for a human their boyfriend/fiance/husband was. It simply didn't make sense to me how anyone would let themselves be hurt in such a manner. I think I sort of understand - they would much rather deal with the hurt and the pain inflicted on them then even consider the possibility of ripping their own heart out and leaving it on the door step as they left.

At the same time I can also see how why so many people leave so early on. They would rather just rip off the band-aid deal with the horrific pain all at once and learn how to move on. I'm not sure which is better - death by fatal stabbing or death by a thousand cuts. Either way, a part of the soul dies, is hacked off and withers away. And it can't ever grow back. Sure, the part of the healthly soul can get stronger and compensate for the loss, but that which has once been lost can never be reclaimed.

It hurts so much right now but at the same time I can't imagine life any less painful if Ryan wasn't in it. It might even be more painful if he wasn't there. I would always wonder if it could have gotten better if the Ryan I knew before the wedding would come back and replace the Ryan I currently live with. I would always wonder if he could have made me happy again. At least by staying, no matter how painful our marriage becomes, I will know the answers.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter.
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

Even if God does not deliver Ryan and I from the fate we seem headed for I will not despair "For thus says the LORD, `When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, `plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'

Even if He does not, God has plans for me after my exile.