In remembrance is redemption

Tonight I watched someone die. I watched the life slowly empty from their veins, the color seep from their face until it was the color of ash that falls from the sky. I watched the death of the self - the death of my self. The death of self is something that can only happen willingly - there is the perversion of self that happens over time where one's very core of who they are rots away until it has ceased to function, ceased to be something beautiful. But the death of self is only possible when one is willing to give up that which is most precious in order to create something more beautiful than would be possible without that sacrifice. The act of self sacrifice is so much greater and so much more beautiful then the acts of a single person who only gives a little. Every day I am thankful that God has blessed me with a life and a family and a land that allows me to live in peace, justice, faith, hope and love. Every day I weep because I know that others are being senselessly cut down in the name of hatred. The death of my self is all I have to give - the death of my self is my sacrifice in memory of those who have perished before me. My death of self is me standing up before the nations and saying "thou shall not stand idly by the blood of thy neighbor." My death of self is standing before all people and saying "never again." Only with the death of my self am I able to remember the death of some many who stood up for who they were, for what they believed, for their nation, for their ethnicity, for their family. If we, who have the power to give together stand idly by we are no better than those who slaughtered the innocents. I refuse to stand in silence; my death is not a soundless death, I do not go to the grave quietly but howling, screaming, beating my breast so the world will know outrage. My death will not be in silence - my death will be the future for the war torn parts of the world where children watch their parents die and husbands watch their wives and daughters raped. If we forget the horrors of the world then we forget those whose lives mean more then ours ever could. We must not forget because in remembrance is redemption.

More Procrastination!

Right now there are two weeks of classes left until my two days of finals. Hoo boy! Right now I should be writting my 10 page paper on the different representations of women's oppression by the Burqa that's due tuesday, instead of in a week and a half like I thought it was. Whoops, silly me for misreading the syllabus. Besides I still have 1.5 days left to write the silly thing anyways. But for some good news, Michael finally got a cell phone. Last weekend was the last straw where he was an hour and forty-five minutes late in picking me up. I didn't mind waiting (it was georgeous out), but what really got to me was the fact that I didn't know if he was coming because he was so late. I didn't know if he was lost, if something happened, or something else. It's also an exhillarating feeling to know that I can call him, and that I don't have wait for him to call me when I've had a bad day or when I've had a great day and I want share it with someone.

Whooho! It's offical, we're going camping this summer! Right now there are 7 of us for sure: Michael, Carrie, Alex, Laura, Katie and I are for sure, and then Brian and Ruth are maybes right now - because they aren't sure they only get half a point which puts us up to 7. :) I'm going to do so well in math this summer, can't you tell? But I'm so excited about going camping, I haven't gone in years, and I've been dying to go. Yayay!

As long as you can be called mine

What would you do, my love, if you lost your smile
Or your curly toes?
If your sense of humor left you
And your wit dulled over time?
If you lost the charming way you have of
Laughing at yourself,
And all your pleasant quirks and deep devotions
Dissappeared?
What would be left if accident, or hard years,
Took away what made you lovely,
Even to me who knows you best?

You have said, even when you were angry,
That the times you felt most loved were when you
Made a grave mistake and stood exposed and awkward,
Feeling ugly and ashamed, and
Saw it did not change the way I loved you.

Strip us down of all our pretty charms and faults,
And make us give up talent and manners -
Everything that can be taken away by drout or flood
Or time or circumstance.
Let me lift up my arms so you can pull away my
Way with words and patient heart,
And are we so much more than names -
smooth stones with tiny marks to set us all apart?
At the very heart what it means to be yours is
That I would love you to the grave for the very reason that
You were the stone I chose.

But I say, while you have smiles and toes,
Let me make for you my love songs.
If we are little stones then
Let me spin words large
And lavish. Let me seek, like Chesterton, with frolicsome works
To make the world wide.
I have seen the heart you have inside and know,
More than most, what your fingertips are like.

And for joy I say they are like rosebuds,
And your eyes like stars.
All our ornaments are hyperboles
God gave us when He said "Let there be light".

So let me sing about your smiles and your
Laughing heart - I cannot make a metaphor large enough
To tell of all the joys our Maker made there.
We all are figures shining forth the face of God -
Tiny micro-worlds where woman, man,
Christ, and church all dwell.

And you, my love, have given me the right
To see these Sights
As long as you can be called mine.

And may flights of angels fly thee to thy rest

Have you ever tried to think, but instead of a mostly cohesive thought process you get either nothing or a jumbled mess? That's me today. Mt brain just isn't working well, I feel extremely stressed, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have to find an extra 3 upper division English credits somewhere. I'll probably have to do them this summer, but I'm not sure where or how I'm going to get them. See if someone wants to do an independent study this summer on... well... anything I guess. I'm already taking a 5 credit class on Critical Theory, what's another on just about anything? Besides, it's only 3 credits, that like 3 books and a paper, or two books and two papers. The problem is finding a willing professor and a good topic. blah... my head hurts...

I just want to sleep, I don't want to go to class tomorrow morning, I don't want to go to work because I need to work on my math because the test has to be taken tomorrow so just in case I fail I'll have an extra day to re-take the test. Oh yeah, and I have two books to read this weekend, write a take home essay/test, two small papers and still have time to clean my room, the apartment and box up Jamie's stuff for her mom. I feel like sobbing, but if there is no one to share in your grief then the only thing crying accomplishes is making you feel worse. I so wish Michael was here. He lets me be me, he lets me cry on his shirt and get snot on his sleeves. He loves me with an abandon that I have never experienced before, and I love him so much that sometimes it frightens me that I am capable of a love that is so strong, that is so meek, that is so beautiful. Even when the world feels like it is crumbling to pieces and when it feels like God is letting me flounder, Michael sits on the ground with me and comfort me. That is he sits there then tells me to get up off my butt and push on, to seek God with all my heart and love the people around me. I wish Michael was here.

"Come night, come love; come, thou day in night,
for thou wilt lie upon the wings of night
whiter than new snow on a raven's back
come, gentle night; come, loving , black-browed night,
give me my love, and when I shall die
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with the night
and pay no worship to the garish sun" - Juliet, from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

Update

I just wanted to post an update on everything that's been going on in the past few days. Jamie is not doing well. That said, let me expound a bit on that statement. Her physical wounds are healing well, but apparently in addition to her depression and resurfacing of her eating disorder she is also suffering from hallucinations. The hospital thinks she is either bi-polar, having a nervous break down, or schizophrenaform (has all the symptoms of schizophrenia, but only lasts 30 days.)They're keeping her in the hospital for the time being until they can figure out what's going on and then start her on treatment. As for me I'm doing as well as can be expected. It's hard being in the apartment, let alone sleeping in the bedroom where I found her. I didn't go to class on Thursday or Friday, but come Monday I'll need to tackle the mounds of homework that have pilled up on my doorstep. Thankfully, my professors have been very understanding and have been willing to give me a little grace in my work. Sarah and Heather are holding up fairly well, but I doubt our apartment will ever be much like it was. If you all could continue to pray for Jamie, her family, my roommates and myself that would be wonderful.