Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Monday, July 10, 2006

Warning: familial rantings

ARG! My family is driving me crazy! I haven't even been home for 24 hours and already I don't want to be here. Usually it takes a few days before I start to go a little twitchy from everything, but not this time, oh no. Everyone taking out their frustrations on the closest person - me - for not good reason and without provocation. The only person who hasn't joined in on this little pest fest is my mom, and the only reason she hasn't joined in is because I have yet to actually see her since I've gotten home.

One of the reasons I'm so upset is because while my dad was reading the ads in the Sunday paper, he came across an ad for a hunting store and he suddenly came to the conclusions that I need to get a permit to carry a hand gun. Now, he knows that I hate guns, especially hand guns. He came to this conclusion that because I'm going to be living in Seattle for another month and a half I need a gun. Don't ask me why, I have no idea. I told him flat out, "no." That right there should have been the end of the discussion. My dad usually knows better then to get into an argument with me when it comes to something like this because he knows that if I don't win, I always leave with the upper hand. Anyways, my grandfather jumps in and says how that I am real likely to get kidnapped walking down the streets of my Queen Anne neighborhood (which has a lower crime rate than Bellingham.) Once I inform him of this fact, he goes on to say how that's not true because the police always lie about what the true crime rates are and how you can never trust the police about anything and how they are just as likely to kidnap me off the streets and rape me in the back of some cruiser. And people don't believe me that he's senile. That was it for me, that was the last straw. I got up to leave when he got all uppity on me and was like "come back here young lady! You need to know the truth!" I turned around and started ranting and raving about how he had no idea what the police were like because he had had no dealings with them in any form in the last 20 years. To which he responded that things like that never change. ARG!!!! I cannot live with these crazy people! I have no idea how I am going to survive these two weeks, let alone the time after my surgery while I'm getting a job and an apartment.

My grandfather is a crotchety old man who likes to listen to himself talk about what a great person he is and all the great things he has done and how good he is at making things. He talks so much that people at church avoid him like the plague because they don't want to be stuck in a conversation with a man who will not leave them alone and who smells because he doesn't believe in spending money to buy actual soap or shampoo. People who get Chuck in small doses think he's a hoot, but they don't live with him and know what he's really like. Like the fact that he likes to control and manipulate people into doing what he wants. For example he had a fight with my dad a few years ago over some stupid thing like how to fix some electrical thing in a lamp, it quickly escalated into other things and my grandfather - who used to hold the mortgage to my parents house - tried to hold that over my dad's head as leverage to get what he wanted. My mom and I were in the next room, trying to ignore the row that they were having. At that my mom got up grabbed her check book and wrote Chuck a check for the amount that was left on the mortgage and said, "Here. Now you can never hold it over our heads again" and walked away. I was not surprised that my mother wrote him a check, but what I was surprised by was the fact that this wasn't the first time he threatened my parents in such a manner. That is how Chuck does things, how he has always done things, my cousin Carrie (cousin on my dad's side) always theorized that the reason most of our family is so messed up, especially our aunt Shan is because they were raises by such a man. He just makes me so angry, so upset. Sometimes I just hate living in the same house that he does. He's is a dirty old man, (by dirty I am referring to the fact that he is usually covered in dirt, grease and smells really bad, not that he is a pervert) who would rather ruin people's lives then give up his feeling of power and control over other people. I thank my mother ever day for the fact that I am just as obstinate and loud as her Italian family who has absolutely no qualms about telling people to go fuck themselves.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Sounds about right...

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

"I love you more then you'll ever know"

I've decided that the saying "Love is blind" couldn't be more erroneous. If love is blind, then it is not love at all, it is something less, something that has been warped and disfigured. Love is all seeing and all knowing. What makes it true love (love that is true, not prince charming true love) is when the all the faults and imperfections are laid bare and in despite of it all, love is still present. Love does not delight in darkness, but rejoices in the truth. True love only happens when loves sees all the cracks and fissures and loves in spite of them, loves because of the cracks and fissures. Love is something that is often looked at cynically or sneeringly in our culture. Unlike the euphemism suggests, sex is not love; you cannot make love. You can decide to begin loving someone, but you cannot create it. Love is supposed to be the greatest thing in our lives; it is what is supposed to guide our actions and our thoughts. How often does that actually happen? How does this love manifest itself in our lives? Do I tell someone when they are wrong? Is it loving to go to someone and point out their mistake? I doubt that they would see it as love, but if I don't say anything do I really love them? Is there any difference between doing the right thing and doing something out of love? I always have found it odd that it is Paul who writes the most about love in the Bible, yet it is he who writes about it the most eloquently.

"If I speak with the tongues of men and angles, but do not have love, I have become a nosy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophesy and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, it does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hope all things, endures all thing. Love never fails. But now faith, hope love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13