Going Through the Motions

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday signifying the start of the Lenten season.
For the past couple of years I have foregone giving something up for
Lent and instead I have taken something on. Last year I volunteered my
time three days a week at various shelters, organizations and at
church. This year I decided that I wanted to study - to get into God’s
Word. I wanted to do it for me, not for a women’s group or because I
knew it was the right thing to do, but because I wanted to know Him
more. Last night I sat on my bed holding my Bible, closed, and I
looked at it and hesitated. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open it and
read what was there.

I hesitated because these aren’t just words on a page – they are life
altering convictions. The voice in my head asked “do you want to be
convicted by the Holy Spirit?” It asked “can you handle Jesus
radically changing where you are right now? Think of all those things,
those sins, that you partake in right now that don’t bother you – can
you handle the guilt, the price, the ransom paid for those when you
don’t even care right now?”

I sat there and wondered what it would be like to be so completely
altered by God. Does it hurt? Probably. Will it be a good hurt?
Possibly. Would it be worth it? Would it?

I’ve been listening to the Matthew West song “Motions” and he asks a
pertinent question:
1. I don’t want to spend my whole life asking “what if I had given everything?”

Have I been going through the motions just trying to feel? It doesn’t
matter if it’s feeling something good, perfect, bad, hard, hurtful
because feeling anything is better than feeling nothing or feeling
something dimly. There are so many things that I know to be right and
true – things I have absolute conviction on – and I can’t bring myself
to care deeply when I blithely ignore them because right now it makes
me feel something, anything. Does that make it right? Probably not.
Should I stop? Definitely. Will I? I don’t know.

As I sat there I realized that it might hurt, it might be hard but I
needed to do it no matter the chaos it would cause because I need God.
Without Him I am nothing.

This might hurt, it’s not safe, but I know I’ve got to make a change.
I don’t care if I break at least I’ll be feeling something. Just “ok”
is not enough, help me to fight through the nothingness of this life.
I don’t want to go through the motions; I don’t want to go one more
day without your all-consuming passion inside of me. I don’t want to
spend my whole life asking “what if I had given everything?” instead
of going through the motions.

No regrets, not this time I’m going to let my heart defeat my mind.
Let Your love make me whole, I think I’m finally feeling something.
Because just “ok” is not enough, help me to fight through the
nothingness of this life.