Don't Turn Away

Something struck me tonight as I was driving home with a friend; there was this song playing in the background - one of my favorites - and I realized that this song, in that moment, was for me. The last few months I have had this rebellious teenage-esque relationship with Christ. Me wanting to assert my own knowledge, skill, and independence and God saying "don't turn away."

I know in my head that He'll always be there, that He'll always be by my side whenever I fall - in the dead of night whenever I call but tonight I remembered with my heart what it is like to be loved by God. To have someone there for me who will never turn away from me and that no matter what I get myself into He's not more than a single breath or heartbeat away. He has built Himself into every atom of my being and He wants me to know that He will never leave or forsake me.


By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Matthew 27: 1-54

Now when morning came, all the chief priests and the elders of the people conferred together against Jesus to put Him to death; and they bound Him, and led Him away and delivered Him to Pilate the governor. Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood."

But they said, "What is that to us? See to that yourself!" And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself.

The chief priests took the pieces of silver and said, "It is not lawful to put them into the temple treasury, since it is the price of blood." And they conferred together and with the money bought the Potter's Field as a burial place for strangers. For this reason that field has been called the Field of Blood to this day.

Then that which was spoken through Jeremiah the prophet was fulfilled: "AND THEY TOOK THE THIRTY PIECES OF SILVER, THE PRICE OF THE ONE WHOSE PRICE HAD BEEN SET by the sons of Israel; AND THEY GAVE THEM FOR THE POTTER'S FIELD, AS THE LORD DIRECTED ME."

Now Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor questioned Him, saying, "Are You the King of the Jews?" And Jesus said to him, "It is as you say." And while He was being accused by the chief priests and elders, He did not answer. Then Pilate said to Him, "Do You not hear how many things they testify against You?" And He did not answer him with regard to even a single charge, so the governor was quite amazed.

Now at the feast the governor was accustomed to release for the people any one prisoner whom they wanted. At that time they were holding a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. So when the people gathered together, Pilate said to them, "Whom do you want me to release for you? Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?" For he knew that because of envy they had handed Him over. While he was sitting on the judgment seat, his wife sent him a message, saying, "Have nothing to do with that righteous Man; for last night I suffered greatly in a dream because of Him."

But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowds to ask for Barabbas and to put Jesus to death. But the governor said to them, "Which of the two do you want me to release for you?" And they said, "Barabbas." Pilate said to them, "Then what shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?" They all said, "Crucify Him!" And he said, "Why, what evil has He done?" But they kept shouting all the more, saying, "Crucify Him!"

When Pilate saw that he was accomplishing nothing, but rather that a riot was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd, saying, "I am innocent of this Man's blood; see to that yourselves." And all the people said, "His blood shall be on us and on our children!" Then he released Barabbas for them; but after having Jesus scourged, he handed Him over to be crucified.

Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole Roman cohort around Him. They stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. And after twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand; and they knelt down before Him and mocked Him, saying, "Hail, King of the Jews!" They spat on Him, and took the reed and began to beat Him on the head. After they had mocked Him, they took the scarlet robe off Him and put His own garments back on Him, and led Him away to crucify Him.

As they were coming out, they found a man of Cyrene named Simon, whom they pressed into service to bear His cross. And when they came to a place called Golgotha, which means Place of a Skull, they gave Him wine to drink mixed with gall; and after tasting it, He was unwilling to drink. And when they had crucified Him, they divided up His garments among themselves by casting lots. And sitting down, they began to keep watch over Him there. And above His head they put up the charge against Him which read, "THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS."

At that time two robbers were crucified with Him, one on the right and one on the left. And those passing by were hurling abuse at Him, wagging their heads and saying, "You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself! If You are the Son of God, come down from the cross. "In the same way the chief priests also, along with the scribes and elders, were mocking Him and saying, "He saved others; He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel; let Him now come down from the cross, and we will believe in Him. "HE TRUSTS IN GOD; LET GOD RESCUE Him now, IF HE DELIGHTS IN HIM; for He said, `I am the Son of God.' "

The robbers who had been crucified with Him were also insulting Him with the same words. Now from the sixth hour darkness fell upon all the land until the ninth hour. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI ?" that is, "MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME ?" And some of those who were standing there, when they heard it, began saying, "This man is calling for Elijah. Immediately one of them ran, and taking a sponge, he filled it with sour wine and put it on a reed, and gave Him a drink. But the rest of them said, "Let us see whether Elijah will come to save Him."

And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. And behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split. The tombs were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; and coming out of the tombs after His resurrection they entered the holy city and appeared to many.
Now the centurion, and those who were with him keeping guard over Jesus, when they saw the earthquake and the things that were happening, became very frightened and said, "Truly this was the Son of God!"

Song

Ted Hughes

I was talking to my sister today when she sent me a link that melted my heart. Because I could not resist, here is the poem and the link that would make any woman (and some men) swoon. I would recommend listening to the video rather than watching it.



O lady, when the tipped cup of the moon blessed you
You became soft fire with a cloud's grace;
The difficult stars swam for eyes in your face;
You stood, and your shadow was my place:
You turned, your shadow turned to ice
O my lady

O lady, when the sea caressed you
You were a marble of foam, but dumb.
When will the stone open its tomb?
When will the waves give over their foam?
You will not die, nor come home,
O my lady

O lady, when the wind kissed you
You made him music for you were a shaped shell.
I follow the waters and the wind still
Since my heart heard it and all to pieces fell
Which your lovers stole, meaning ill,
O my lady

O lady, consider when I shall have lost you
The moon's full hands, scattering waste,
The sea's hands, dark from the world's breast,
The world's decay where the wind's hands have passed,
And my head, worn out with love, at rest
In my hands, and my hands full of dust,
O my lady

Going Through the Motions

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday signifying the start of the Lenten season.
For the past couple of years I have foregone giving something up for
Lent and instead I have taken something on. Last year I volunteered my
time three days a week at various shelters, organizations and at
church. This year I decided that I wanted to study - to get into God’s
Word. I wanted to do it for me, not for a women’s group or because I
knew it was the right thing to do, but because I wanted to know Him
more. Last night I sat on my bed holding my Bible, closed, and I
looked at it and hesitated. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open it and
read what was there.

I hesitated because these aren’t just words on a page – they are life
altering convictions. The voice in my head asked “do you want to be
convicted by the Holy Spirit?” It asked “can you handle Jesus
radically changing where you are right now? Think of all those things,
those sins, that you partake in right now that don’t bother you – can
you handle the guilt, the price, the ransom paid for those when you
don’t even care right now?”

I sat there and wondered what it would be like to be so completely
altered by God. Does it hurt? Probably. Will it be a good hurt?
Possibly. Would it be worth it? Would it?

I’ve been listening to the Matthew West song “Motions” and he asks a
pertinent question:
1. I don’t want to spend my whole life asking “what if I had given everything?”

Have I been going through the motions just trying to feel? It doesn’t
matter if it’s feeling something good, perfect, bad, hard, hurtful
because feeling anything is better than feeling nothing or feeling
something dimly. There are so many things that I know to be right and
true – things I have absolute conviction on – and I can’t bring myself
to care deeply when I blithely ignore them because right now it makes
me feel something, anything. Does that make it right? Probably not.
Should I stop? Definitely. Will I? I don’t know.

As I sat there I realized that it might hurt, it might be hard but I
needed to do it no matter the chaos it would cause because I need God.
Without Him I am nothing.

This might hurt, it’s not safe, but I know I’ve got to make a change.
I don’t care if I break at least I’ll be feeling something. Just “ok”
is not enough, help me to fight through the nothingness of this life.
I don’t want to go through the motions; I don’t want to go one more
day without your all-consuming passion inside of me. I don’t want to
spend my whole life asking “what if I had given everything?” instead
of going through the motions.

No regrets, not this time I’m going to let my heart defeat my mind.
Let Your love make me whole, I think I’m finally feeling something.
Because just “ok” is not enough, help me to fight through the
nothingness of this life.

Devistation and Reform

My mind is all jumbled up together in this mess of thoughts, a confusion of right and wrong. Not even that simple, right and wrong – it’s more of how grey is that grey area, how much of what I’m doing could be considered harmful down the line? I hate hurting people I care about – I hate having to think about if my actions will hurt them because what does it say about me that my natural inclination is to harm others? I wish there was a way to speak plainly about all of this, to lay it out in a logical fashion; pros in the left hand column and cons in the right. But I know that if I laid it out like that 90% of the right hand column would be filled and only two lines of the left would have anything in them.

How do you weigh the benefits of friendship and being able to be the light of the world against things like knowing they want different things from you, that you know, without a doubt, you would never be able to give them?

I wish I wasn’t so damaged, I wish that I was better equipped to handle things like this. I wish that I didn’t know better. But I do. I know that this will hurt, but if I don’t break your heart things will just get worse. When the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

I am who I am. What I believe is who I am. You cannot separate my beliefs from my personality; you cannot separate my faith and knowledge of God from anything about me. He is what causes my lungs to breathe in the air; He is what keeps my heart beating. I don’t take a lot of my beliefs just on faith, I base my knowledge of God on his Word and on the relationship that I have with Him. I know, without a doubt, that He is there. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me unconditionally. There is joy in me because I know that I am forever loved and protected. Every day there is awe and wonder in me that He chose me, that he loves me. Me, the undeserving sinner. Me, he died on the cross for me – knowing that I was to be and all the mistakes that I would make and He did it anyway so that I would have the chance to know Him and to be His forever.

When all else around me crumbles and I am lost and dejected He is there – never changing, always loving, strong and perfect.

This is who I am, nothing will ever change His love for me and nothing will ever shake my belief in my God.

Still Not Over It

I figured that by now I would be over the whole David Tennant/Doctor Who thing that I had going on, but apparently not. A few days after I finished the entire series (by series I mean the latest four seasons) as well as Torchwood Children of Earth I went into Tennant withdrawl so I did what any self-respecting child of the internet age does - I imdb'd his movies and youtubed him. What I found surprised me, David Tennant isn't just some pop, type actor who runs around in tight suits and converse sneakers (although I must say he looks quite dapper while he does it). He is an actor of enormous talent and not just because of his acting but because of his understanding. He understands what he's supposed to be acting, he understands the role that he is playing and not just the character, the role that he is playing in the world in how what he's doing will be viewed.

I think a good example of his enormous talent is the movie"Recovery". This is one of the hardest movies to watch because of the heartbreaking reality that is portrayed. So often Hollywood gives us happy endings with miraculous cures but Recovery tells the story of a man who suffers from a brain injury after accidently stepping out in front of a passing truck and how his family picks up around him as their lives have changed forever. To be honest, I sobbed. Not once, not twice but multiple times; not because it was a difficult movie to watch but because it hurt to watch. It challenged my humanity to keep watching and not to pass by on the wayside. There were tears rolling down my face as I watched David Tennant portray a man who had literally lost who he was - he had these memories but no way to make and remember new ones. There were tears rolling down my face as a man had no control over himself and it frustrated him that he just couldn't - it frustrated him that he just couldn't remember, that he couldn't be the man he used to be. Every last second was believable. Every last second was brilliant.

All of this heart-aching sorrow and difficulty coming from the man who made tall and skinny sexy. I mean, really sexy.

He's also recently did Hamlet and it was freaking amazing. Well, his Hamlet was really freaking amazing. I haven't seen a Hamlet as good as his - it wasn't overdone, it wasn't over dramatized as a lot of Shakespeare is prone to be, it made so much more sense than a majority of the Hamlet's I've seen - which is a testament to how he acts: with his voice and body as much as anything else.

At this point I have seen just about everything he's played a major or supporting role in and I've loved it all. Well, except Secret Smile. Don't get me wrong, his acting was brilliant but the move as a whole was deeply disturbing. Someone who can play the role of a sociopathic killer, Casanova, a singing detective, a brain damaged man AND pull of the Doctor is one heck of an actor.

The Doctor

For the last two weeks I've been on a Doctor Who kick and it's been a whirlwind romance. I've fallen in love with The Doctor - granted David Tennant made it significantly easier than Christopher Eccleston, but I way already half in love him before he regenerated and got a new face.

Even though he is a man with many faults and walls, he is also someone that I would never turn down if I had the chance to go away with him and see the universe through time and space. Although I'm only two seasons in the doctor has offered a space on the TARDIS to five people and has been turned down three time. I don't understand how anyone could turn that down. I would go in a heartbeat, without a look back - no matter the danger, no matter the consequences. Life with The Doctor would be a fabulously heart-wrenching adventure.

What would it be like to be loved by The Doctor? What would it be like to stare into the heart of the TARDIS? These are things that I dream about and wish about. If only things that fantastic weren't fantastically improbably.