... for I have none left to give

Normally I would say something like "I don't know what's wrong with me," but this time I think I do know what it is. I'm suffering from very mild anxiety attacks and mediocre depression. Sad isn't it, that I know the symptoms so well that I can diagnose myself from long familiarity with these problems. I don't think I can live here anymore - it's too hard. I can't think in my apartment, I become apathetic to the world and all I want to do is dissolve into a puddle and let the scientists discover what happened to me. When I'm home (my parents house) I can think, I do act, I am myself. Here my chest tightens and I feel like I can't breathe, my head starts to pound, I don't eat, can't sleep, and all I want to do is leave. I know what's wrong with me, but I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I can leave - I have another 6 months on lease. I love my classes and the work and the papers, I just am falling behind because I can't think in the one place I need to be able to think. My heart is sore and wants to become hard to the world and to the people I am with. I am more critical and sad than I can ever remember. All I want to do is sleep and when I wake up, to wake up in a place that isn't here, that doesn't make me want to scream and cry at the same time.

Stop yelling at me! You have no right to talk to me like that, no right! I will not be your punching bag because you need to vent! Leave me alone... leave me in peace and let me think - think in peace, be in peace.

Dear Lord, sweep me up into Your arms - fly me to Your place of rest. Wrap Your wings of peace around my shoulders and never let me go. Sing me sweet songs that let me sleep, sleep in Your house for one night - and may it be like a thousand. One day spent with you O God is better than a thousand spent on Earth. Let each tear and blood drop that was spent heal my soul and make rich a dry and barren land. You O Lord are my Savior and my God; let me not forget Your precepts and Your ways. My God, My God - you are my refuge, my fortress in whom I place all my trust. Judge me with mercy for I am weak and frail. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned - sinned against You and my fellow man. Cover me in Your feathers and allow me to walk in Your ways, walk in the light of Your holiness. I am not worthy, yet You love me and give me life when I deserve only death. Give me strength for I have none, give me love for I have none left to give. Give me mercy but I deserve none, give me peace when I am but chaos without You.

This is the closest I've ever come to hating someone

I'm so angry right now. I can't believe this, it's completely ridiculous - and I should have seen it coming soon. For the past few weeks it has become painfully obvious that my roommate's boyfriend is emotionally manipulating and abusing her. He tells her that she's fat and needs to eat less, but that she shouldn't worry because he still loves her. He whines for her to come over and "keep him company" at like 2:00am when she's tired, it's dark and rainy out. He tells her who she can and can't hang out with, and he was so rude to her mother that she told Jamie that she was shocked and appalled by him. When he was drunk he told her he was thinking about breaking up with her because she wouldn't sleep with him. But here's the kicker: last night he barged into our apartment (there are four of us living here) and one of my other roommates made the comment that he should knock before coming into someone else's home. A few minutes later Jamie storms out of the apartment with her boyfriend, her hands full of her stuff, and slams the door behind her. This afternoon I came back from work to find a good portion or her things gone and her number scratched off our phone list with "don't call again" written in next to it. Nothing we said would have made her this mad - nothing. It makes me so angry because I have no idea what he told her, and she won't take any of our calls because of what he told her. This is so frustrating!!! He has no right to do this to her, to us! He's been trying to get her to move in with him for weeks and she won't do it because she was planning on breaking up with him after Valentine's Day - now she's living with him. We can't find out what he told her - he won't talk to us, and won't let her talk to us. God... I just want to beat his head against the wall until he understands how much he's hurt her and what he's doing is wrong.

Does anyone even read this anymore?

Train Gone Sorry

I just had a completely awesome day! Not only did classes go well, which hardly happens on a tuesday, but I had a really good time tonight studying at Starbucks and having some awesome conversations in ASL! (Oh and I got to have dinner with my mom which is always a treat) So sarah asked me if I wanted to go to a coffee shop and study with her - we went to this place called "el diablo," but it was packed and a band was setting up to play. There was so much going that that it was really hard to get anything done, so we switched to Starbucks down the street. About a half hour after we had been there I noticed all these deaf people chatting and signing - which was a lot of fun to watch - and after I finished a decent amount of homework I joined what started off as a small group of students and two deaf people chatting at the table next to us. Pretty soon there were eight or nine of us chatting. It was so much fun! I couldn't believe how much I remembered after not signing for at least 6 months, and how much I had learned in only one year. It was amazing! I was signing and watching and understanding. I learned, and re-learned, a few new signs, like the one for Starbucks. There's a group of them that meet every tuesday night at 8:00pm, and I think that I'm going to start going - I had so much fun, and it was good to sign again. I miss signing, I didn't realize it until tonight, but I really do miss talking to people with my hands and watching people sign. So yeah... today was a good day; a really good day. :)