Breathe

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Running Up That Hill

Put your itunes or whatever on shuffle. The answer to each question is the next song title that pops up.


IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
- Unforgetful You (Jars of Clay)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
- Chapter One (Lifehouse)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
- Be Not Afraid (Lost and Found)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
- Divine Romance (Phil Wickham)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
- Sinking (Jars of Clay) ummm....

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
- So This is Love (Cinderella)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
- American Psycho (Treble Charger)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
- You Make Me Feel So Young (Frank Sinantra)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
- I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (Damien Rice)

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
- Evacuation (David Arnold))

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
- You and I (The Duhks)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
- A Plain Morning (Dashboard Confessionals)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
- Main Title (Braveheart Soundtrack)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
- Am I Understood? (Relient K)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
- Whatever's Left (Snow Patrol)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
- Somewhere Out There (Our Lady Peace)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
- Getting Wet (Brian Russell and Rob Majors)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
- Glycerine (Bush)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRECT?
- Beautiful Oblivion ( Eve 6)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
- The Best Thing (Relient K)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
- Shine (Newsboys)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
- Running up that Hill (Placebo)

missing a memory

I'm trying to figure out how I can miss something that was never there. Can you miss a figment, a fragment of a dream? Something that seemed to be real, something you thought you had touched, something you thought you had felt but was never there. I don't know if I really do miss him or if I miss the what could have been. Or is this simply loss, part of the grieving process? I miss him telling me that he loves me - but what good is a lie. Isn't the lie worse than the truth? Maybe I only miss the thought of being loved, the feeling that finally, here is someone who loves me, who chose to love me - chose to love everything about me. Chose to love me despite my faults, because of my faults. Will there ever be someone who loves me like that?

The pain and the acheyness never goes away - sometimes it is easy to ignore and other times you go to use that muscle and you find that by reaching father than you have the awareness of the pain is doubled. It never goes away, you just learn new ways to experience the agony, new tortures that twist the familiar hurt and make it into something new.

Sometimes I think this will never heal, it will always be a gaping wound that constantly seeps, leaving cosmic blood droplets as I go along.

And so it seems I am missing a memory of what should have been.

Come on Get Higher

Matt Nathanson

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the stil of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water if I can tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next,
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I can taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils and God
when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on love
Singin' shalala la
Singin' shalala la

So, come on, get higher
Come on, get higher
'Cause everything works in your

Bark vs. Bite

I can't decide if I am frustrated, annoyed or despondent - maybe all three, it's hard to tell. You know, despondent is the wrong word because it implies that all hope is gone, maybe morose is a better word. Yes, morose is better because it can be dark and right now I'm feeling a little dark and broodish.

People keep walking on egg shells with me and I can't figure out why. If it was Carrie it would be easy to figure out why (only sort of though because I haven't blown up at Carrie in years.) Over the past year I have very rarely exploded on someone, anyone really. The whole growing up, maturity thing going on. Hmmm... there was that one time with Nate though, but I didn't yell or scream or shout. And I apologized for that. Anyway, he's not the one walking on egg shells so I guess that doesn't really count in this instance.

Do people really find me all that scary or intimidating? I know I can be when I try, but I usually don't think of myself someone who is considered volatile or easily ruffled. To be honest it's a little disturbing. Then again I may be blowing behavior way out of proportion or completely misinterpreting things - but a few people's attitude, behavior and body language are all off and that makes me a little curious and a little worried.

I wish people would just come out and tell me what's going on. My brain is so imaginative it comes up with all the possibilities and to be honest it plays havoc on me. It's easier to deal with what's really going on than dealing with all the different possibilities that my brain can come up with - like the fact that people stop talking to me because they stopped liking me once they got to know me. That one is always the hardest because for some people I really trusted and opened myself to that's what happened.

So please, if you are one of those people I would much rather you just come out and tell me what's going on, I promise not to bark or even bite.