Enchanted sorrows and bitter-sweet harmony

It's amazing how fast some things can change; how fast the sun can disappear and dark clouds slowly creep in. How fast my sunny disposition can change with the onset of some news. I think that I might be worrying too much about this, but what else are you supposed to do when your boyfriend tells you that he found a growth on his neck two weeks ago and it's been steadily been getting larger. I think up some horrible situation, and I know that the chance of it being that bad is extremely slim, but it could happen. I pray to God so selfishly, "God please let him be alright, don't take him away from me." At least I'm going home soon, at least I get to see him soon. *sighs* Just pray that it will be alright.


"Enchanted sorrows and bitter-sweet harmony
That's the stuff life is made of
You turn towards one thing
only to see it slip through your grasp
you turn the other way
and you see it fade away
You've missed it by a thread
but you got there too soon
life is full of these things you'd rather not lose" - Rebecca Taylor


"Why does it feel the same to fall in love or break it off
and if young love is just a game then I missed the kick off
Don't depend on me to follow through on anything but
I'd go through hell for you and I haven't been this scared
in a long time and I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
A bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody, this world's an ugly place but you're so beautiful to me." - Blink 182


"When you can't run
You crawl.
When you can't crawl
You find someone to carry you." - Firefly

...give me hope...

I hate the feeling that something is wrong, and you don't know what it is. My heart hurts and I am scared that this might be the end or that the end is closer than I thought. I don't think I've ever been this scared before. What this means I'm not sure I know, and I'm not sure I want to find out. It scares me more than anything I have ever encountered before. It shakes me to my very core and it makes me want to despair. It's all so confusing and violent in my head. Why do I have the feeling that something is horribly wrong or is about to go horribly wrong? I have no reason to feel like this, and yet I do. I wish that I could say that I am wrong and I'm just feeling strange for whatever reason, but I can't shake this feeling that everything is going to crash and break; that everything is going to collapse and the world is going to fall to pieces. I don't feel like this constantly, I don't know what I would do if I did, but every time I feel this it seems to get worse and worse as the days wear on. Why is this happening to me, what does this mean? I want to cry, but I can't seem to summon up the energy nor the will to do so. Slowly I fall prey to apathy and am swallowed whole by the beast of nothingness. But again I lapse into the dramatic.

All I want is to sleep and to sleep dreamlessly and deeply - to fall into the light oblivion of serenity. Give me rest, give me peace, give me joy and give me heart. Let not my happiness be ruined or destroyed in the coming rains. Give me strength when I have none, give me hope when I despair, give me mercy when I deserve it least of all, and give me love when I have none to give.

Is all lost, is all in vain? Have it been for nothing? …please… please no. I don't know… it all swirls around me confused, bright colors mixing with deep dark secrets of blues and greys. I can't seem to find what is true, what is real. It is almost within my grasp, yet it eludes me. I feel so alone, so small, so very lost. The happiest times I can remember are the times I've spent with Michael, even the times when things have been painful. At the end of June it will have been a year, a year with me gone for over half of it. Love is hard - harder than anything I've ever done, yet - I love loving him. To think that it might end... please... no...

Lift Up Your Eyes

Lift up your eyes and behold the beauty of God in the face of Christ Jesus. By His righteousness, by His mercy, by His sacrifice we are sanctified, we are justified. See! Behold your God upon the cross! To Him be the glory forever and ever! Amen.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

...home...

I don't want to be here, I hate who I am in this place, I hate who I have become. I want to leave this place behind and never look back. I yearn to see trees, forests full of greenery, fields full of flowers, the sky full of clouds not smog. Home. I miss home, my home. Only a few more months, I tell myself, and then I can leave and never have to come back. Please, just let it go quickly. This pain is growing more and more unbearable. The hole in my heart grows larger with every passing minute that I am left in this environment. There is not enough time to do nothing. I run around frantically trying to accomplish everything I have been asked to do, but there isn't enough time to write all of my mindless papers, read all of the endless poems. I want to be done with all of this madness, to get rid of this feeling of worthlessness, to discard the anger and frustration that I feel for the people around me. I have nowhere to go. No place to call my own, no place to hide away.

... now cracks a noble heart...
... be all my sins remembered...
... goodnight sweet prince...
... may flights of angels...
... fly thee to thy rest...