The Dresden Files

Today I decided to try something new, something I have never done before in my life: listen to an audio book. That's right, not read a book, listen to a book. There are two things that started me on this new adventure, the first being a practical reason - I've been reading so much that my eyes are bloodshot and things are starting to get fuzzy if I read for more than 5 hours straight (they used to get fuzzy around 8). The second reason is actually one of those reasons that isn't really a reason, it's more of a guilty pleasure and that guilty pleasure being James Marsters' voice. Marsters is of Buffy and Angel fame playing the renowned, infamous, and hilarious vampire Spike - also known as William the Bloody (he is also the only man with bleached blonde hair that will ever be attractive). 

James Marsters has narrated the first 5 books in a series by Jim Butcher, the Dresden Files, about a wizard turned private detective named Harry Dresden. (This is pretty much the extent of my knowledge of the books so far... well, that and he started a vampire war sometime in the recent past and has a thing for women in high heeled pumps - but what man doesn't?)

Now, knowing absolutely nothing about the series when I dived into this adventure except that it was narrated by said man with the lovely voice I was quite surprised to find myself actually interested in the book and the characters. However, the book is far more hilarious that I expected; this may be problematic because I still haven't figured out if it was meant to be as funny as it is or if Marsters has put a bit of his own personality into the reading of the novel. Either way, the next few days shall prove to be highly entertaining. 

Consummatum Est

You know, I'm not even really angry at her right now, just frustrated and mostly tired of her drama and her bullshit. It's none of her business, not to mention that she doesn't even really want to know, she just has to know EVERYTHING - even stuff that isn't hers to know. It doesn't do anything either it just gives her all this drama to play with and to gasp about. If she asked me not to push on something and to respect her wishes I would - because that's what friends do. They respect each other. Sure there might be times when I would push and prod, but only if things like excessive use of alcohol, use of drugs, or abuse were involved. If any of my friends has something that they can't share or don't feel comfortable telling me then it's fine. It's not anything against me or the friendship, I recognize that everyone has different people in their lives that they talk to about different things. 

I am just so sick of this game she thinks she is playing. "I still love you." No, no you don't. trying to use friendship and punishment to get what you want - what you have no right to have - is not love on any level. It's manipulation.  I despise manipulation; it is one of the more perverse forms of lying out there, especially in a friendship. Trying to force something from someone who does not feel comfortable sharing to get what you want to make you feel better about yourself gets you nothing. Nothing. 

I'm not sure this can be repaired, I'm not sure I want to repair this. What sort of friend abandons another during a time of need so they can get what they what? Someone who isn't really a friend at all. A bad, manipulative friend who doesn't respect boundaries is worse than no friend at all. 

I Pushed You Down Deep in My Soul for Too Long

My heart is disquiet and troubled. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can scarcely breathe; other times I can deceive myself into thinking it's not so bad or that it's not that painful. Each breath is like inhaling a fistful of ice cold air that crystallizes in my lungs making speech unable. I wish I wasn't so strong, that I wasn't so able. Maybe if I wasn't so strong God wouldn't test me with this, maybe I wouldn't be here, maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much. I know that God loves me and that He will always love me - that part has always been easy for me. His grace is a fountain of joy and amazement for me. People are always telling me "don't forget that God loves you" that's not the part that I'm worried about, that's never been in doubt. Sometimes they change it up and tell me to find my worth in God. I can't tell them that that is the only reason why I am still here, I am precious to God, as all His children are. His hands molded me and gave me a name and a purpose; that doesn't mean that I don't bleed from human words, it doesn't mean that people try to make me less than He intended.

God designed us for meaningful human interactions and relationships, you take those away and not much is left. How can you carry out His commissions if you are alone? How can you share with other people when everything you have has been taken away? Even though I have been abandoned by humanity that doesn't mean that He has. He is always there and His heart grieves for mine but I have no one to grieve with for my loss. We we not intended to walk alone; the hand is supposed to be connected to the rest of the body not separated in isolation.

I am alone.

I am alone on this earth; my heart longs for the day when I can rest, when He calls me home.



I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours



Then Jesus showed up, said, "Before we go up
I thought that we might reminisce
See, one night in your life, when you turned out the lights
You asked for and prayed for My forgiveness

"You cried wolf; the tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, 'What have I done?'
You loved that lamb with every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite

"You said, 'Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day, please take me home with You' "

I can hear You whisper to me
"It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again"

This I Believe

Let me start off this post by stating that this was inspired me having to tell someone “don’t tell me what to think, don’t tell me what to believe.” That being said I enjoy healthy discussions of ideas, healthy being the key word in that sentence. To me a healthy discussion does not involve yelling, talking over someone, refusing to listen and/or consider nor does it involve being told, “you’re wrong and going to hell”. It does mean, however that you can completely disagree with any and all points as long as you are civil, polite, and thoughtfully consider counter points as you do it. I have bitch claws and I will not hesitate to use them if my boundaries are crossed and you refuse to respect them. This is a last resort, but I do know how to put someone in their place and walk away after drawing last blood. Please do not think I am being melodramatic, just honest.

Back to being nice and considerate:

I believe that God is the Creator and Sustainer of the universe and that Jesus Christ is his only begotten son and who is my Lord and Savior. I believe that he was crucified, died, was buried and on the third day rose from the grave and ascended into Heaven. I believe in the Holy Spirit, who came down from heaven and is manifest in my life, who leads and convicts me in all of my ways. I believe in the Trinity of God the Father, Christ the Savior and the Holy Spirit. I believe in the forgiveness of sins and all transgression to those who believe and are repentant. I believe in everlasting life, for both the found and the lost. That the found will be taken up into heaven to be with Christ and that the lost will be separated from God for all eternity. I believe that the scriptures, both the old and new testaments are the authoritative Word of God and the only perfect rule for faith, doctrine and conduct. I believe it is essential to the life of the church that it be a body of people who want their lives to be shaped by the Word of God and for His will to be present in all their actions in both the community and in the world. Pretty much anything past this isn’t essential to salvation. I believe that God allows His children to have different interpretations of SOME of His word. For example, there are a few valid ways to interpret Revelation. Many scholars believe that the bulk of Revelation has already happened and refers specially to Nero’s reign while other believe it has yet to happen. I don’t think that either view will get you sent to Hell. (Neither will baby baptism vs baby dedication)

I was recently described as a "flaming liberal who voted for Obama.” Which is ironic because my liberal friends call me the most conservative person they know. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a flaming liberal. If you think I am then you haven't met any. This being said I will not and cannot abide with name-calling. Obama is not the anti-christ. Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are not the anti-christ. It's not biblically correct and since I assume you don't mean it literally it is disrespectful to call them names and it is certainly not Christian behavior. I am an independent moderate who can see both sides of the aisle and prefers practical results rather than ideology. I am pro life. This means that I do not abide abortion but also that I don't believe that outlawing it will change anything. You want to stop abortions, put your (generic you) money where your mouth is and fund pregnancy clinics, adoption agencies, give women another choice other than to abort their child and they will. Being pro life also means I am against the death penalty because to me all life is sacred to God. Up until the very last moment when God takes someone away there is a chance that they will affirm God as their Lord and Savior and you can't ask me to take precious seconds away. We have all sinned grievously against God and without the sacrifice of Jesus Christ we would all be lost, I can't take that away from anyone else. This doesn't mean that I think the death penalty is unbiblical, rather it means that I believe that God has allowed for both opinions. This may make me a bit of a pacifist, but that is a time honored, conservative tradition followed by more than just the Quakers and the Amish. I don't believe in socialized health care, but think that our system needs reform because it doesn't work well. I believe in having a well fund education system and a strong standing military force. A lot of people think these two paragraphs are contradictions. The largest struggle for me is balancing what is the responsible thing to do vote/political wise and what is right to do moral wise. My good friend Seth gave me a good example of this a few weeks ago about parental rights case in which a child was taken away from the mother and placed with the grandparents. The child would have been better off with the grandparents, but the mother wasn’t abusing the child in any form and wanted her child with her. Morally the child would have been better off with the grandparents, but the rights of the mother are a completely legal, legitimate claim/concern. I'm not sure there is a right (as in good) answer to this dilemma, and I feel that a great deal of politics falls into the same sort of category.

There is a great deal more that I believe, but right now I don’t really want to get into my own personal philosophy of things I can’t quite remember right now. But I'm sure if you ask me about them I’d be happy to tell you.