Fall Lineup

Stolen from Patti's blog but it seemed like a good idea.

Okay, so we're finally through the first week of the new fall TV season. Here's what I'm watching when I have the time, and why:

Mondays:
1. House - I haven't watched House in a season and a half because, well, it's been highly annoying and eye roll inducing monotony. However, the season premiere was well written, well acted and interesting. I am cautiously optimistic about this season so we'll have to wait and see.
2. Castle - this was one of my sleeper favorites last season and after the season opener I am very much looking forward to the second season. Nathan Fillion's portrayal of author Richard Castle is enjoyable on so many levels and he only makes a great show better.
3. Lie to Me - hasn't actually started yet, but from the last season and the previews it looks like it's going to be a good one.

Tuesday:
1. NCIS - *sighs* I'm in love with the entire cast and Gibbs could totally take on Godzilla and win.
2. NCIS: LA - the first episode was ok, and I'm more than willing to give it a shot.

Wednesday:
1. Glee - ok, this is my pure fluff tv show that has no redeeming value, but I like it.
2. So You Think You Can Dance - I love this show, I love this show, I love this show. I can't get over how amazing it is and how fabulous the dancers (and the the choreographers) are.
3. CSI:NY - this is the only CSI I will watch anymore mostly because of cast. I like the feel of the show which is vastly different from the others - more like L&O than CSI:LV.
4. Mercy - I liked the first episode, but we'll see how the rest of the season pans out.

Thursday:
1. Bones - This is my favorite show and has been for the past 3 years (somehow I missed the first season entirely). The first episode of the season really disappointed me, but the second one was more of what I would consider up to par.
2. The Mentalist - I seem to have a thing for British actors who act like Americans as I like this show. It's not my favorite show in the world and if I cut back my tv watching this would be the first to go.
3. Vampire Diaries - ok this is my secret guilty horrible pleasure. I've never watched a show like this in my entire life and it's horrible, but it's sooo addicting.

Friday -
1. Dollhouse - Joss Whedon. Enough said.
2. Numb3rs - last season was kind of blah so hopefully this season will be better.
3. Stargate Universe - Not that thrilled about this, I am grudgingly going to watch the first few episodes and see how it is based solely on the fact that for 10 years I loved Stargate SG-1 through the good times and the bad.
4. Sanctuary - this is a maybe seeing as it doesn't premiere until October 9th.

Oh man, there are a lot of TV shows that I watch... I'm doomed.

Now that the Day is Done

Now that the day is done
I try to rest my tired head
and wonder about all the things
that I should have said
and all the things I should have done

Does it matter, the work that we do
with our hands and with our minds?
In the end will they be called forth
and paraded before our eyes
to witness the shame of our demise

Or will the man upon the throne
the one dressed in robes of red
a crown of thorns upon his head
look down and say "job well done,
good and faithful one"

The tyger and the lamb
all created by the same hand
the same hand who set us apart
before the foundations of the world
trembled at His every thought

How will He view my heart
and how will He weigh my soul
knowing what I know
knowing what I should have known
knowing that my silence changed the world

He is in my head and in my heart
and still I know best
I know what is for me
I know that my posturing and
bluffing do nothing to hid the fear

That coils around my heart
weaves it's way into my brain
and tells me that I am worthless
that I am not good enough
that I am not perfect enough to be loved

And how is it, at the end of the day
as I rest my tired head on my worn pillow
and close my eyes to the coming darkness
I hear His voice whispering to me
"hush, be still and know that I am God."

Bloody dreams

Ung! I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like I want to pummel someone with my bare hands, like I want to shred clothes and wreck havoc and destruction. All this something building up inside of me and it refuses to be squashed down where it belongs. Like some ugly monster that is in each and every one of us rears it's hideous head from hibernation and refuses to sleep until it's been fed. I don't know why I feel like this, this feeling of wanting to rip bloody strips of flesh from a person's body and verbally flay their mind while I do it.

All this hissing and spitting - something has my back up and I don't know what which only makes it worse because it feels even more like there is something there; something that deserves to be tortured to death for plotting my demise.

I just want to sleep; to fall asleep knowing that when I wake up all will be well with my soul. That things that should have been but never were actual become realized. I wish the world wasn't so heavy. And I wish that... well, wishes are dangerous. I might not allow myself to wish, but I allow myself to dream. I dream of forests filled with trees and ferns with soft light filtering down. I dream of strong men who aren't afraid of strong women and how together they change the world. I dream of friends that don't judge and don't forget. I dream of days where the ache in my head and in my heart doesn't leave me gasping for breath. I dream of a day where I am loved.

I dream...

Dreams are nice to have for the moment in time when it all seems possible, where it all seems probable. But that searing pain when you come out of it, all at once and you realize that it never will be; where your body is cramped with cold and your soul contracts around the ball of hurt in your chest because it will never come to pass. Not in this world at least.

Strip after strip of bloody flesh that has been flayed from my body, from my spirit by people that I thought I could trust. Sometimes I even have enough time for the skin to start to grow back before another someone comes along and leaves a new scar on top of the new flesh.

In Remembrance is Redemption

My church took communion today - something we do once a month together as a congregation. Communion has always meant a lot to me - a physical act of remembering the price that Christ paid for me; the pain and the agony that He went through to pay a ransom for me, for my eternal soul. While my church in Colorado doesn't read scripture or lead the congregation in the meaning of communion, they do lead in prayer both before and after each element.

In my mind I recite for the bread, "The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, 'This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.' "

For the cup, "In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, 'This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.' For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes."

What does it mean to proclaim the Lord's death? What does it mean to remember Christ's death? How are we supposed to remember?

It isn't with sorrow that I remember the price that was paid, but it isn't with joy either. It is a bitter-sweet remembrance. It is a bitter cup that we drink knowing that each sin that we committed was another lash on Christ's back - another thorn on His brow. Our sins were the very nails that held Him to the cross. Sweet to know that in Christ there is freedom, there is peace, there is joy. Every longing we never knew we had is fulfilled in Christ's love and grace for us. The fact that there is no end to His love for us, that He delights with us and grieves with us is so astoundingly amazing.

But what does it mean that we remember these things? What does remembering look like? I think, in part it means to never forget the price that was paid or how it was paid.

Question of Morality

For the past few days I have been re-watching the tv show The Pretender. While it has been a complete hoot to go back and watch all the episodes (they aired from 1996-2000, when I was 10-14) it has also made me think upon a question of morality that the entire premise of the show is based on.

The basic introduction to the show is: In 1963 a corporation known as The Center isolated a young Pretender named Jarod and exploited his genius for their research. And then, one day their Pretender ran away.

The Center trained a very young Jarod to become anyone they wanted him to be - to do anything they wanted him to do. Very much a "Catch Me if You Can" premise. While in the early stages some of Jarod's findings were used to help people, solve crisis situations, they were also sold to the highest bidder (other governments, our government, criminal syndicates, etc) who did horrible and downright evil things with them. When he was around 30 Jarod escaped The Center and traveled around the country trying to make up for the wrongs that have been done to people (presumably as penitence) and leading The Center and their merry band of gun-totting henchmen on a chase. Throughout the entire show Jarod keeps asking "how many people died because of what I thought up?"

To me this hard to digest; no one died because of what he thought up, people died because someone took his ideas and twisted them into horrible real life situations for their own gain. So, my question becomes is it his fault for coming up with the ideas or their fault for enacting them for their own greed? Should he feel sorrow and grief that this ideas and simulations were used in a such a manner? I think both sides would say yes, but, should he feel personally responsible because they were his thoughts?

I believe that the creators of the atomic bomb felt much the same way that Jarod does - even though they did not create the atomic bomb to be dropped in Japan they felt responsible because it was their creation in the first place. Where does the blame lie? To whom does the blame and subsequent guilt belong? The person who created or the person who acted?